holy crap

ok. As I am not one yet I can make this nasty little observation:
Women in their 40's and beyond are fucking INSANE!

From one highly deluded "lady" I got the warning "as you sow so shall you reap"....excellent!
Because all I have sewn have been good intentions and lots of personal work and adjustments...well I'm expecting good things busting out all over. (Oh and BTW...my Karma is quick...they started today!)

So living Tru- I again am the winner.
And our deluded "lady"- well she certainly has shown her ass.

My other problematic situation- well....turns out I am the jolly candylike hero, not the evil, badguy that was being ran outta town on a rail. It is very easy to villianize a person when they are 2000 miles away and unable to participate in their own defense. As it turns out- I'm sittin' pretty, and I know exactly WHO my friends are, and how they feel about me. I am loved and I DON'T SUCK!!!

so nyah nyah nyah na na........
I'm alive
I'm free
you can't take the sky from me!

Aesop fable of the day.

The Three Tradesmen

A GREAT CITY was besieged, and its inhabitants were called together to consider the best means of protecting it from the enemy. A Bricklayer earnestly recommended bricks as affording the best material for an effective resistance. A Carpenter, with equal enthusiasm, proposed timber as a preferable method of defense. Upon which a Currier stood up and said, "Sirs, I differ from you altogether: there is no material for resistance equal to a covering of hides; and nothing so good as leather."

the moral of the story?

Every man for himself.

sad girl

Sometimes you git the bear...
sometimes the bear git you.

Sometime soon.....I hope I git the bear.

Leaving CT tomorrow. End of my recalibration vacation.
Did I achieve the bright, shiney peace of mind that I was seeking?? Hardly.

I'm still wondering where my chutzpah went. I used to get off on the whole challenge of conquering the world as leather lisa, Rockstar in her own mind. Now- I'm lucky if I wake up and am not in the middle of a panic attack.

My relationships all seem to be of a screwed up nature. Can't find a man to fit me who isn't beholden to someone else, or who is healthy and able enough to take care of himself. I seem to scare off most everyone else. It would be nice to have someone just hold me at night and make me feel like I belong on this earth. Someone to look forward to and to make plans with. It really is the little stuff that I miss.

Can't seem to quell that feeling in my gut that it is time to move on. Where?? Do what?? I'm a bit scared of going to New Zealand (a trip on the back burner, currently) because I'm sure I'll just stay there. My mother doesn't visit me where I live now, and she has another child in Austin as well, so what would it matter if I lived a few more thousand miles out.

I think the big issue is loving my life again. I have to find out what it is that is truly worth doing with my time and resources. I want to start silversmithing, but now I'm losing a venue for selling that stuff and may not have enough money coming in to cover the cost of materials and tools. So I've got to figure this all out.

Anyhow. Perhaps more later. I have to pack now before my mother starts throwing things at me. We always seem to fight the day before I leave. Todays theme: Well maybe it's time you look for a real job. (though i'm not even qualified in my old field, would take a cut in pay, and would be working for the man.....which i vowed I'd never do) She'd be so proud of me in my KFC uniform. not.

packin in....
Lisa

If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic

"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers..... Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life..... But why would I want to do a thing like that?"

Trainspotting

"And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

Monty Python, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Only after disaster can we be resurrected.

Tyler Durden, Fightclub

Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned- Tyler

Tyler Durden, Fightclub

re-entry

post Starwood.
Bored, homesick, lonely, heartbroked, HUGE case of wanderlust....just want to get back in the car and drive far away. Seems very unfair that we don't have interstellar travel yet. I'd jump the next firefly and zoom off into the black.
I can't even bury myself into my life again for a few weeks as I'm still at my moms in CT. Austin is still another re-entry I'll have to deal with. Trying to remain "awake" but am here....remembering all the reasons I left to live so far away.
I like being the witness. Every year I witness.
This year I get to witness my best friend of 30 years with a newborn baby. I get to see just how much that one decision changes EVERYTHING for her. I don't (yet I do) envy her.
I also get to witness a friend change his life and end his years in a band that is going nowhere. I get to see him be excited to embark on a solo career...nifty. Hope I can help him out somehow.
Austin would be a good place for him.
I got to reconnect with a friend whom I'd lost touch with for 4 years. That is kinda cool.
Got to see the ugly underbelly of a couple of friends (siblings) and gain a less favorable perspective about how some people operate.
Everyone is so busy with their shiza here i really don't have anyone to "play" with. I may just end up going to a bar next week and try to meet some local flavor. Wish i packed some suburban camoflage to fit in with the natives. I don't even own beige pants.
oh well. the coffee mug is empty. that isn't pessimism...that is fact.
captains log 8.3.07 signing off.

the 11:49am addendum.
amplify the saddness? are you sure she can handle it captain?
we'll surely see. I sure can pick them.
Lovely heart and mind met viking....i feel as if i'm watching him stand on a shore where i can't dock my ship. I shouldn't have given all those life boats away over the years. The water is filled with bellydancing sharks....safer to pull up anchor. Gladness in my heart for knowing that Tru is true. Sadness in my heart for knowing pain, my own and having caused some to another. I assure you this was not my intention. I wish i was a vixen, a lout, a woman of loser morals. He wouldn't have stood a chance. Alas.... I am Tru. My spirit flickers like a candle guttering from the splash of tears....yet remains alight. Another ghost in my head. This one still real, corporeal, made of meat.....resigned to amble about with my small legion of nobel men who stalk the rooms of my head giving me tasks and inspiration to stave off the insanity.
Now i'll have to learn to build my own dome.
I did say "i look forward to being a part of your future" - didn't I? I knew even then that i wasn't speaking of soon. Perhaps he and I will walk a path many years from now- but the most I will hope for is to remain friends of the heart and hearth.
captain....i don't think i can hold her together much longer!
signing off...stardate 8.3.07

Freaky Japanese commuters

"I once asked a Japanese friend to explain why so many people on the Tokyo subway wore surgical masks. Are they extreme germophobes? Conscientious folks getting over a cold? Oh, yes, he said, yes, of course, but that's only the rubric. The real reason to wear the mask is to spare others the discomfort of seeing your facial expression, to make your face into a disengaged, unreadable blank--to spare others the discomfort of firing up their mirror neurons in order to model your mood based on your outward expression. To make it possible to see without seeing."

taken from BoingBoing.net.

This is also the reasoning behind Hello Kitty not having a mouth. So you can impose emotion onto her.

That name again is Mr. Plow

Imagine the sound the roof will make moments before it buckles under the weight of 10 feet of snow. TEN FEET OF SNOW. The news here in Austin said there hasn't been that much TOTAL snow here since 1900, when they started making records of this stuff.