sad girl

Sometimes you git the bear...
sometimes the bear git you.

Sometime soon.....I hope I git the bear.

Leaving CT tomorrow. End of my recalibration vacation.
Did I achieve the bright, shiney peace of mind that I was seeking?? Hardly.

I'm still wondering where my chutzpah went. I used to get off on the whole challenge of conquering the world as leather lisa, Rockstar in her own mind. Now- I'm lucky if I wake up and am not in the middle of a panic attack.

My relationships all seem to be of a screwed up nature. Can't find a man to fit me who isn't beholden to someone else, or who is healthy and able enough to take care of himself. I seem to scare off most everyone else. It would be nice to have someone just hold me at night and make me feel like I belong on this earth. Someone to look forward to and to make plans with. It really is the little stuff that I miss.

Can't seem to quell that feeling in my gut that it is time to move on. Where?? Do what?? I'm a bit scared of going to New Zealand (a trip on the back burner, currently) because I'm sure I'll just stay there. My mother doesn't visit me where I live now, and she has another child in Austin as well, so what would it matter if I lived a few more thousand miles out.

I think the big issue is loving my life again. I have to find out what it is that is truly worth doing with my time and resources. I want to start silversmithing, but now I'm losing a venue for selling that stuff and may not have enough money coming in to cover the cost of materials and tools. So I've got to figure this all out.

Anyhow. Perhaps more later. I have to pack now before my mother starts throwing things at me. We always seem to fight the day before I leave. Todays theme: Well maybe it's time you look for a real job. (though i'm not even qualified in my old field, would take a cut in pay, and would be working for the man.....which i vowed I'd never do) She'd be so proud of me in my KFC uniform. not.

packin in....
Lisa